Dogs

These are the non-working dogs on Sarah's family's farm. The one on the left is Sarah's dog and is called Bounce.

mince pasties

On the weekend I joined Sarah putting up the decorations at her family's farm on Exmoor. I burnt my finger helping to make mince pies. I also lost to Sarah at pool, thus ending my winning streak that had somehow lasted for a couple of weeks. But to make up for this Sarah did also make me a mince pasty, which I hope will be waiting for me next time I go up.

On being a white Tiger

Last few weeks I have being going up to North Devon as usual. Saw the Noisettes when the lights were switched on in Barnstaple. And last saturday went to Exeter for the day. Have been doing my European Computer driving licence, last week I learnt how to use an Internet browser, and today I learnt how to send an email. You are impressed I can tell. I also went on a couple of dates; got hooked on watching flashforward and true blood; and read White Tiger by Aravind Adiga which I really recomend. I see myself as a white tiger too. Wild and untameamble. Hence perhaps why in recent weeks I have lost then regained a reputation for biting people whilst drunk. Some other things I have done include: getting vaccinated for swine flu; treading in a pothole full of water; inexplicably winning many games of pool; hitting a woman up the ass with a shuttlecock and then being unable to stop giggling; being frustrated by a 3000 piece jigsaw; and I also watched loads of childrens films. Fun times.

farmville and Tokyo year zero

Of late I have been playing farmville on facebook. I am trying to wean myself off it but it is hard. It seemed the perfect little thing to play around with while being on msn or checking my emails. Then soon I was racing home from picking up my brother in order to harvest my crops. I am currently level twelve :(.

Also just finished reading Tokyo Year Zero by David Peace. I saw the red riding series on channel four so thought I would read something of his. I thought it was well worth reading. You never know which of the characters are good or bad or where it is going.

proof of eating the cake

Here is me eating the cake I told you about, so as to prove I didn't just throw it in the bin when no-one was looking. I am even wearing my lonsdale top to look more like a chav while eating it. I am not sure why they made the car pink. I assure you my car is not pink but is purple/blue/lavender or something. Of the three people in the car only one appears normal. One is cross eyed and one has big eyes and looks as if they are on drugs. I think the normal one must be me. Also I must point out that I am NOT 33. If anyone says this again I may headbutt them.

rolling down sand dunes and a very special cake

Last weekend had some moments to write about which included: someone hanging onto a overhanging tree then falling off and hitting their head; a couple of people getting completely soaked wrestling in the sea; and cake trays being used as dangerous frizbees. It also had me rolling down a sand dune and being taught to cook spagetti bolognese. I am not sure which of all these moments was the most scary. Possibly the last one, when the cutting onions made me start to cry.

This week saw my friends come down to visit me in Torquay and probably keeping people in the Travelodge very annoyed and awake all night. We went to Trago Mills on the saturday and down on Torquay seafront to play pitch and putt on the sunday. And there was also a lot of drinking too. As well as a very special cake which I shall photograph soon to prove I actually did eat it rather than dump in the bin when no-one was looking.

miny sloths and pebbles that taste of calpol

This friday I ate a lovely curry made by Sarah Owen.
I met Heather's sister Rachel who in combination with Heather is going to make life very interesting in the future I feel.
I watched Rachel and Heather give themsleves bruises in strange places from trying to fly.
I ate some chocolate muffins.
I watched ice-age two for its amazing miny Sloths, and also Marie Antoinette among a couple of films.
I got very cold quite a lot.
I visited Minehead where I ate a pebble that tasted of calpol.
I helped Sarah win a bouncy ball in an amusement arcade.
I visited Sarah's family farm where I learnt she used to be able to play the clarinet.

Badminton class

I am getting a little fitter ready for next summer. I have been doing some swimming each week with my mate Scott. And have also been going to a Badminton evening class at my old School which has been fun. The people were a mixed bunch to say the least, and it was good to meet some different people. I was a little dissapointed that Sebastian the bloke who hadnt 'played Badminton but had thrown stones at birds' didnt come back this second week. This week was a lot more competitive. We were taught a lot about returning serve, and I realised just how much I had to learn. First week I didnt really try becuase I didnt want to hit it hard at the women and be mean. Next week I am going to up my game and see if I can hit them in the head with the shuttlecock like I used to do when playing with my Aunty and her friends. Badminton changes a person.

The roast

I shall begin by correcting my last post. The plastic bottle which was thrown at the Wind Turbine was infact filled with orange squash. Happy now Heather? This friday I was if anything more drunk than last week, and although I woke up feeling no guilt, regret or shame, as memories started randomly popping into my mind this soon changed. Even worse is the fact I still dont remember some stuff. For instance I still don't know why I was slapped in the face, or the conversation about peanut butter, but I do now vaguely recall throwing crisps down someones bum cleavage. The best thing about the weekend was definately the roast, which was so good I don't think I said one word while I was eating it. Thank you Sarah, thank you Heather. It was well worth getting whipped with towels for.

The weekend that started in the Pizza Hut in Barnstaple

I feel I have to write on here again as my wierd swan has been called boring. Since some funny stuff happened this weekend I shall forget about all the other stuff that happened previously. Such as the finding of Nazi memorabilia in the attic along with an embarassing list of films I recorded as a kid which included the little mermaid, (Again I promise neither me or my family are Nazis honest), and try to tell you what happened this week. The only thing is as much as I wish to entertain the likes of Joel with tales of cyber sex etc, the very reason I started this blog was so people could get to know about me through what I say rather than through what my friends say on facebook. At the time this mostly seemed to be many, many, conversations about porn with my friend Cara. Its a difficult dilemma. What I can say about this weekend is that I got very drunk. Got slapped in the face for placing someones hand on my crotch. Watched bottles of water being thrown at a wind turbine. Did some dancing which if I could remember would haunt me for the rest of my life. Went on the cliff railway at Lynton and Lynmouth. And worst of all got bullied into doing something by two evil young women which I still cannot bring myself to speak about. I shall elaborate further when the shame has subsided.

wierd swan

The best thing from the last couple of months is the wierd swan i saw on holiday. It was half a white swan and half a black swan, and had a voice like a child playing a flute. It was amazing.

books

Read a couple of books while I was away, hadn't done so in a very long time. It was good to get away from the internet for a bit as well. I read Netherland by Joseph O'neill which was fairly enjoyable. It wasn't big on plot, it was more about the main character being thoughtful and reminiscing about stuff. I think it was supposed to catch the post 9/11 angst which we live in now and be really meaningful but it didnt say anything profound to me. I also read The Pillars of the earth by Ken Follet which was kind of the opposite. I enjoyed reading this quite a lot although they seem to be amking this out to be a masterpiece which it really isn't. It lacks the creative genius of Dennis Wheatly, or the dynamism of say Wilbur Smith. But it was constantly entertaining which is something considering it was over a thousand pages. Always reading books like that makes me want to write the perfect novel which would fun and entertaining but also have some depth and substance to it. Somehow I don't think thats going to happen though.

Dulverton

This is Dulverton, and the caravan down the bottom is our caravan. Stayed at Lifton near Launceton first however. Saw some Otters at Tamar Otter Sanctuary. Did some more body-boarding at Woolacombe, Polzeath and Bude. Went to a few places on Exmoor and to Taunton. Missed the excitement at Lifton. The bloke who owned the place we were staying at suggested checking out the local lake and quarry which we didnt bother doing. The next day a man fell in while leaning on a fence at a party and died and a woman was critically injured. we missed it. Overall a good holiday though, except for the bit where I got suntan cream in my eyes, but i guess that was only to be expected.

Kynance Cove

Just been away caravaning with my family in Cornwall and North Devon. I slept in the awning so was in constant danger of being savaged by badgers whilst I was asleep. We started off on the Lizard, visiting Trevarno gardens, Porthcurno telegraph museum, Sennen, and Kynance cove which is in the photo opposite. The water was freezing so I ended up freezing cold and sunburnt at the same time. Did some body boarding at Sennen but the waves were smashing you onto the beach. It nearly snapped me in two. When the second wave came along I just threw my board away, curled up into a ball and let the wave bounce me up the beach. I also went walking inappropriate footwear; crawled through a Fogou at Carn Euny; and had my first proper medium warm shower in about a year.

My Dads bithday

While our parents and Grandpa talked about the organ club etc me, my brother, and my two cousins, fled into the next room. And then.... read books about antiques. I really do belong to an exciting and vibrant family. I did however manage to find my old mega drive and tune it in to my tv, which then gave some decent entertainment. Even if them killing kid chameleon in ever more stupid ways did get on my nerves after a little while.

Nelson

This is Nelson our new pet seagull. This pictures a little blurry but i think it captures his menace more than the others. He looks at me like this all the time. My Mum likes throwing him cat biscuits probably to provoke a fight between the animals.

My brother's birthday

This was the cake my brother got for his birthday. Apparently my Mum was going to get a yellow one but pink was all they had. This one is supposed to be a giant french fancy. It was taller than it looks here. Unfortuneatly i dont like icing but i ate it anyway. After cake we went to the cinema to watch public enemies. Johnny Depp is great in that every person he plays is totally different you almost dont know its him. And the tommy guns were awesome. They are loud and fire comes out and everything. i want one for christmas. We then went to find the Coppa Dolla pub but got lost and spent two hours driving around country lanes before giving up and eating at the Church house Inn at Torbryan where i had half a roast duck.

Sarah's visit to Torquay

As torrentail rain was forecast, instead of going camping on Exmoor I invited Sarah and Heather to Torquay for the weekend. Got a chinese on friday evening when they arrived and then went into town for a drink. Saturday went to the cider press centre at Dartington to show them lots of nice expensive things they couldn't afford to buy, and had something to eat (eventually when we found somewhere that wasnt full) in a pub in Totnes. For those people who like people watching Totnes is always worth checking out I reckon. It also has a shop at the top of the town with a nice selection of old hats, all of which have probably belonged to three or more people who probably also died wearing those hats. Then later on I took them to the Apollo cinema in Paignton to watch Ice-Age 3. Then we went out in Torquay town again going to Park lane and play amongst other places. And sunday I took Sarah to Paignton Zoo.

Also incase you are wondering, the drink refered to below was a slush puppy kind of thing and vodka with a shot of cherry sours and a shot of apple sours added to it.

Marsh mallows

This weekend I found that marsh mallows were just as much fun to throw into peoples mouths as chocolate buttons. I drank a strange but potent concoction which got me very drunk (when I find out what was in it I shall tell you). I went to Atlantic Village where I spent hours looking at womens underwear. I helped to write 'Pebble Ho!' in pebbles on the beach at Westward Ho!. I played Poker. And I also watched the Neverending story.

Scones

Yesterday, after I had been kayaking, playing badminton, and getting whipped with seaweed by Alex Birt, I had some scones. Here they are seconds before a fly threatened to land on them and everyone grabbed and ate them. I always say scone not scon. Would like to find out what the proper devonshire way of saying it is.

'Plub' and Oldboy

A mixed couple of days. some really good bits and really rubbish bits. Went to the 'Plub' again in South Molton which is always amusing although the their carpet is a bit disorientating. Watched one of my wierd Asian dvds with Sarah. Oldboy by Park Chan Wook, which is a very good film and i think she liked it. I was a little concerned by her lack of disgust she showed to the live octopus eating scene, but as she comes from North Devon so expect that kind of thing. One of the rubbish things was getting a parking ticket. I had the feeling it was one of those days when everything just goes disastrously wrong, and feared with my stupid/dangerous driving that i would die on the motorway coming back, but I didnt.

some more cool songs i am listening to

bonkers by dizzee rascal
lets talk about it by white denim
Angela by Jarvis Cocker
Woodfriend by miles benjamin Anthony Robinson
new in town by little boots
we made you by eminem
cake by race horses

and of course boom boom pow by the black eyed peas which is both good and annoying at the same time. wish i could find out the reason they are treading on leprechauns though. its bugging me just as much as when I was trying to work out what a geep was.

Showing Heather some of Torbay

My friend Heather was in Torbay, so to entertain her I showed her a couple of places. Started with Cockington where she got to look at the organic garden and buy some lip balm. Then Brixham where I ate what was described to us as basically a sausage but with fish (urgh). And later on some actual fish and chips. This picture has the Golden Hind in the background. We then went up to Berry head and looked at some seabirds.

throwing chocolate buttons

Heres a list of things I did this weekend:

I watched Coronation street.
I ate sausages from a barbeque.
I went to the beach at Croyde and went swimming in the surf.
I went to a wierd hybrid between a nightclub and a traditional pub.
I slept in a bed with a woman without being groped for possibly the first time.
I rediscovered the delights of fake cheese.
I was relieved to find I was not the only person who can't touch their toes.
I found out how birds have sex.
I had chocolate buttons thrown into my mouth.
I watched 80's childrens cartoons on youtube.
I drank apple sours.
I found you can complete an A-Z of names for womens breasts.
I collected grass.
I had my legs buried in sand.

Yacts in Poole harbour

Here is another example of my awesome photography and photoshop skills. I didn't want to add another picture but ran out of things to write. It was either that or me moving on to examples from my dream diary. Latest dream from last night involved me stealing a blokes pint. Previously me in a room with five girls and them deciding to pour a jug of water over Paris Hilton. I don't actually mind Paris Hilton, I was more concerned with the water seeping through the ceiling into the room below. And before you ask I did check in the morning to see whether i had pissed myself. Do not worry I hadn't.

a painting

Just realised I had not got round to adding any of my paintings. For those of you who were curious and had never seen one this is for you. If you so wish you may purchase this painting from me. If you are a good looking female I am willing to take payment in ways other than money.

Badminton in the garden

Me and my brother playing badminton. I always win of course. My favourite shot is when i hit it long and then do a cheeky little drop shot into the corner. The only time he wins is if he manages to hit me in the forehead. Five minutes after this the shuttle cock went in the bushes and i retired to eat some scones.

moths

James is fed up with being pestered by moths. He has waged a fierce war against them but seems to be losing. He is afraid that by now they have eaten half his clothes and that he will soon be naked. Please bare this in mind if you ever see James in the local newspaper for exposing himself in public.

James is also counting the cost of not sunbathing and shaving at the right times. Everytime he has been sunbathing he has also been bearded, giving the effect now of the top half of his face being brown the bottom white. To compound this he has just found the twenty pound note he miss placed last week when off out somewhere, under his shaver. damn.

James is also now regretting writting this entry in third person. as half way through it started sounding a little strange. He or I must be getting much too obsessed with this blog thing.

stratego the best game ever invented

This is me beating my brother at stratego. If you have never played this game before I pity you. I also urge you not to think the new crappy four player stratego is anything like the original. its not. I have played it twice and wanted to kill those playing with me both times. They have tried to jazz it up to apeal to the kids and totally ruined it. You can gain some idea of the genius of the original from this picture, as my brother desperately tries to save himself from losing by consulting the instructions. Didn't work for him, i beat him about a minute later. Go James!

Me kayaking in Torbay

My ambition is to leave the safe confines of Torbay this year and kayak around the coast. Hopefully with dolphins jumping along side me. Stopping occaisonally on deserted beaches to roast marsh mallows. Last year I kayaked around Thatcher rock, which was a little bit dodgy as I only had an inflatable kayak then. After only a few metres it would start going around in circles let alone when the winds and currents got hold of you. Most of the time the water is clear and you can look down and see starfish. Your ass gets a bit wet but its worth it.

Five tracks I've been listening to recently on spotify

Carnies by Martina Topley Bird

Extinction by The Soft Pack

Cannonball by The Breeders

Sick Muse by Metric

Not Fair by Lilly Allen (this grew on me, i love her lyrics they are so unusual and brave).

voting/swimming/parking space/pigeon

Just voted. Don't know what it was for though. Won't tell you who i voted for except that it was not the BNP or UKIP. Then I walked down the ERC to go swimming but was told they close early now so ended up going in the sea. It was actually quite warm, and the beach at Torquay is much nicer since they built the bridge on Torquay harbour and stopped the raw sewge that used to be pumped into it. No more wading through toilet paper and sanitary towels these days.

Last week was annoying. Manchester United lost when I knew they could have played better and I lost my parking space. Two major events, as i care and know way too much about football than is healthy, and love my parking space so much i moan constantly at people if they make me drive anywhere.

Earlier this week 'my' cat killed a wood pigeon which i still have yet to build up the courage to bury in garden. last week he killed my pet Robin. I think it is now true to say that i have trained a killer :(

view over Shiphay from my Mum and Dads bedroom

No blog is quite complete i feel without some random sunset photo. How good is this one? Took it the other day. If you stare into the darkness you can almost see the bungalo across the road.

7 things you didnt want to know about James

1. During my driving test I stopped at a traffic light on green. And was later told: ‘Red is for stop, Green is for go.’

2. I was allergic to chocolate as a kid. I had to eat carob.

3. I smashed the light in my mums lounge whilst playing with a Lightsabre. Though I maintain this was not my fault.

4. I like egg custard tarts.

5. When I was a kid I got a piece of sponge stuck up my nose and had to be taken to hospital to have it removed.

6. I used to collect fruit stickers.

7. I fell in Loch Lomond. I had jumped onto some rocks in the daytime sober. I thought I could repeat it at night, drunk. I couldn’t.

shoes

here is a photo of a pair of shoes. my shoes infact. not sure why i like this picture, maybe there is just something about a worn old pair of shoes that appeals to people. they may be battered and broken, but have lived and have tales to tell. This pair definately do. There is also something a little bit disqiueting about an empty pair of shoes. where is their owner? why has he abandoned them? god i feel all emotional now, i think i will go get them now and put them on. perhaps hug them a bit first. i love my shoes.

South Molton

Just visited my friend Heather in South Molton which was really good. I drove on the motorway for the first time; and was only there a couple of hours before some of her friends gave me a strange concoction to drink and then sent me down dodgy stairs where i sprained my ankle. I made them laugh with my story about the time I was out with my friend Sam and saw a pheasant and he thought it was a duck. The next day we went for a walk around Wimbleball lake which has to be the weirdest named lake in the world. And i managed to go one whole day without going on the internet to check my messages or anything, which i was very proud of. I also got a little bit drunk in South Molton but won't tell that story as i am still remembering it. Altogether a good few days.

Facebook pirate/nipples/topless photo

An interesting week. I found that if you go down to the bottom of the page on facebook you can change it into pirate language. which if you havent done yet i recommend as it is very funny, even though i only lasted five minutes. Also i recommend typing in 'extra nipples' on google images. There is an hilarious picture of a woman with a nipple on her foot which is just amazing. I also got sent an email from a girl i do not remember chatting to, which included a topless photo. she seemed really nice and sweet but then sent me to a website with lots of dirty photos. She finished her email with 'Kiss', having now seen where her mouth has been i do feel slightly sick.

a river and some trees

okay just one more picture as i do not wish to over shadow my written entries. this was a picture i took near Warwick and transformed a little bit.

demon

whilst i am adding pictures heres a demon i drew. i started doing some funny little drawings to illustrate my poems (which i won't publish on her just yet as i don't think the world is ready for them). I got really into drawing monkeys for some reason. then i remembered how a monkey had tried to steal my buttons as a kid and i had hit him in the face. from then on all the monkeys i drew started to turn into demons. possible unresolved childhood trauma there i think.

a digital image from james

Thought it was time i made my blog more colourful. this is a picture i created a while ago using photoshop. enjoy.

old woman knocked over by waves in the swimming pool

funniest thing happened today. i was in swimming and saw this frail old woman who looked about 100 got knocked over in the shallow end by the waves. she just kept getting rolled over again and again. i would have helped her but it was so damn funny. the life guard was stood right above her but didnt want to get wet. she just shouted 'let the waves carry you up the beach!' then waited for them to stop before she waded in and lifted the poor old dear to her feet. funniest thing i've seen since that seagull stole a little girls ice-cream. - writing this i realise i am a horrible horrible person.

a few things james has learnt in recent weeks

mounting photographs on the wall only leads to questions over where his graduation photo is, and stories about him being bitten on the ass by a wasp.

emu's have the biggest eyes in the world.

if you have jeans with buttons for flies make sure you check whether your pants have holes in the crotch before venturing out in public.

off licences dont stock babycham anymore.

you can get little fishing rods to stick on the end of your kayak.

YMCA was number one in Switzerland for two months in 1979.

James did NOT get so drunk at college he was taken away in a wheelchair. which was a relief.

pitch and putt

last week i played pitch and putt. my cousin Alex did the unimaginable and seemingly impossible and actually hit someone with the ball. it was awful. i should of shouted but just stood there and watched this ball soar through the air and hit this man painfully on the leg. an inch to the side and he would have been knocked unconscious. i did the honourable thing and walked away so they wouldnt think it was me, and could see him limping around for the next hour using his golf club as a walking stick.

Grand National

After the horse I picked for the grand national lead for ages and then fell near the end I am now certain i can see into the future. Last year I also picked out the horse that got mentioned most on tv. He was the first horse down at the first hurdle, got up riderless and lead the race before falling at the last hurdle. Obviously my special powers need fine tuning, but I am convinced next year i will pick the winner.

what I haven't done.

I can never remember what I've done recently, but i can tell you what I haven't done. I haven't been sky diving; I haven't painted myself blue; I haven't saved a seagull with a broken wing; and I haven't been beaten up by a seven year old. I am thinking I should be more adventurous.

Something I did do today is go to Paignton. Not something I do that often but I did manage to buy some really cheap bluetack so I guess it was kind of worth it. I also freaked out when a spider fell on my head. To add to the excitement just a few minutes ago I drank a can of John Smiths and threw 'my' Jedi cat some more cat biscuits. Later I will watch The Wire which I am liking very much and which is actually as good as the critics say though its probably too clever for you so I won't bother recomending it.

worst film seen in a long time.

James is blaming Emily Birt for him being forced to watch 'Marley and me'. It has to be the worst, most tedious film i have watched since 'The Wendigo' and was even worse than bloody spy kids. within less than five minutes i was watching the bright green glowing exit sign so to avoid looking at the film. the end was the most amazingly tedious thing i've seen in ages. twenty minutes of a bloke cradleing a dieing dog. Emily was convulsing with tears/laughter for all of those last twenty minutes and should consider herself lucky to have left the cinema with just a headache rather than as a stroke victim.

stalker gifts

James Jonker would like everyone who decides to stalk him to know that if they decide to find out his address and leave gifts for him on his doorstep it will be appreciated, but to make sure that they are something he will like. do not leave food as he will not trust you enough to eat it, therefore egg custard tarts are out. do not get him car or football related accessories. do get him ugly but expensive paintings of animals or the most hideous looking soft toy cat you have ever seen. or even better just leave him money and he can buy them for himself.

getting on google.

James Jonker is mentioning in his own name in his blog to see if it comes up when he googles himself. is that weird? well of course it is, but you all know i've done weirder stuff than that.

buttons

james is wondering why his jeans have buttons wherea zip should be. if it is fashion then its pointeless as you cannot even see the damn buttons. the most annoying thing is that these buttons keep coming undone at inappropriate times and making james look (even more) like a pervert.

slippers

james is annoyed his slippers keep falling off when he walks down the stairs. he is also thinking that he should stop drinking coffee in the morning and star having cerial again instead. James has also realised he is much more comfortable talking about himself in the third person. this is a bit worrying and he is wondering why.